Grief Is Evidence of Love: How IFS Therapy Helps Us Hold It
White rose on beach.
Grief shows up in many ways—tears that come uninvited, silence that feels too loud, or a restless part of you that can’t settle. It’s a response to losing someone or something that mattered deeply, and it’s also proof that something beautiful existed. That’s why I often say: grief is evidence of love.
But grief isn’t simple. It’s rarely tidy or linear. And if you’ve ever felt pressure to "move on" or "stay strong," you know how isolating that misunderstanding can feel. In my practice, I work with clients to make space for grief using a therapy approach called Internal Family Systems (IFS). IFS helps us explore the different emotional parts of ourselves—especially the ones trying to manage, minimize, or suppress our grief.
Why Is Grief Evidence of Love?
This phrase can feel confusing, especially when we’re grieving someone who caused harm. Does grieving an abuser mean we loved them? Not necessarily.
Sometimes, the sadness isn’t about missing the person, but mourning what they represented—or what they never gave us. The loss might be about the absence of safety, acceptance, or belonging. For many abuse survivors, there’s grief for the younger part of them that hoped—desperately—that this person would one day change.
When someone abusive dies, it can bring up a complex blend of emotions. A survivor may have built a life of greater peace and safety, sometimes with a found family. And yet, the loss can stir something deep—not because of who the deceased person was, but because of what was never possible with them. That grief might be for the part of you that never got to experience real care, connection, or joy until much later in life.
“Loss can stir something deep—not because of who the deceased person was, but because of what was never possible with them.”
In that context, grief is still evidence of love. Not for the abuser, but for the younger version of you who deserved better. The love is for that part—who waited, endured, and longed.
What Is IFS and Why Is It Helpful for Grief?
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a therapeutic model based on the idea that our minds are made up of multiple parts, each with its own perspective, emotion, and agenda. These parts might include a grieving part, a protective part trying to keep you functioning, a numb part that wants to shut it all down, or even a part that feels guilty for not grieving "enough."
When we’re grieving, these parts can clash. One part might long to sit with old memories, while another pushes you to stay productive and distracted. IFS doesn’t judge these parts—it welcomes them. It teaches us to build compassionate relationships with each of them.
Common Parts That Show Up in Grief
The grieving part – raw, vulnerable, often carrying intense sadness or longing.
The protector – wants to keep things "normal" and might push you to work, stay busy, or pretend you're okay.
The numbing part – may use distraction, avoidance, or even substances to help you not feel too much at once.
The inner critic – might say things like "You should be over this by now" or "You’re not grieving the right way."
IFS gives each part space to be seen and heard, which can be a relief when grief feels overwhelming or confusing.
Grieving a Complicated Loss
Some losses come with conflicting emotions—like the death of an estranged parent, an abusive ex-partner, or someone you weren’t ready to lose but had mixed feelings about. These situations often bring up anger, relief, regret, sadness, and guilt—all at once. IFS helps us hold those contradictions.
Rather than choosing which feeling is "right," IFS allows you to notice that you have multiple parts, each reacting from its own truth. You might have a part that misses the parent you wished you had and another that feels rage toward the one you actually had. Both parts are valid. Neither has to be exiled.
There Is No Timeline
One of the myths of grief is that it has an endpoint. In reality, grief changes, softens, resurfaces, and evolves—but it often doesn’t disappear. IFS offers a gentle reminder that healing isn’t about erasing the pain. It’s about being with it in a way that feels more bearable and less lonely.
You don’t have to perform closure. You don’t have to put a bow on your loss. And you don’t have to rush your healing to make others more comfortable.
Letting Grief Have a Voice
In IFS therapy, I often invite clients to "check in" with the part of them that is grieving. What does it need? What is it afraid of? Is there another part trying to silence it?
Sometimes, the grieving part just needs to be witnessed. Other times, it wants permission to express itself—through tears, journaling, storytelling, or simply sitting in quiet acknowledgment. When these parts feel safe to be heard, many clients describe feeling more whole, more integrated, and less consumed by the grief.
If You're Grieving...
If you’re reading this and grieving—whether a recent loss or one that still lingers years later—I want you to know that your grief makes sense. It doesn’t need to be justified or minimized. It deserves space. And you deserve support.
IFS therapy offers a compassionate, non-pathologizing way to explore your grief. If you’d like help connecting with the parts of you carrying sadness, confusion, anger, or love, I’d be honored to walk with you through that process.
Grief may be painful, but it’s also sacred. It tells the story of what mattered. And it reminds us: you loved, deeply.
Please reach out if you’re needing support.